How It’s Supposed To Be
Isn’t the world truly amazing? I mean really think for a minute about all the people in the world and how we are all vastly different and what a beautiful thing that is and how that is how it’s supposed to be!
Well, if you and I are so different, then it has to be understood that we are gifted in different areas, have varying responsibilities, and so many other variables that come into play in our daily lives.
With that being said, I wouldn’t expect you to fully understand me, be there at the drop of a hat for everything and anything I need and be able to do it all competently just because I need help right?
Of course we are all meant for different things and not one of us is capable of being or doing everything. It’s simply not possible for anyone.
So, with all that being explained, simply based on our unique abilities, strengths, present circumstances, and not being able to be everything, it has to be OK for me to tell you no when needed right?
The Flip Side View Point
Let’s unpack this a bit.
Most of my life, I never felt the freedom to say no. I’m not sure I even knew “NO” was an option. In fact, I felt it was my hard and fast obligation to say yes and do as much as I could all the time for all people.
Not as in a way of “I love to help people kind of way”, although that was also always there in a good empathetic manner. But in a way that if I were to say NO, the world would collapse in, everyone would turn on me, hate me, and see me for the real wretch I truly am.
So, I am talking here to my constant “yes” people. You know if this is you.
The one who believes yes=good and no=bad.
I am here to clarify that for you my friend.
Some people may want to dive deep into the psychology of where that came from, although that is not what this article is about. I am sure it was a combination of different factors. There can be so many reasons people fall into this trap. It can be anything from your upbringing, to your personality type of being a people pleaser, always wanting to fit in, skewed views of making up for past mistakes, unhealthy relationships and so much more.
The Long Term Effects
I am just realizing now as an adult how damaging and exhausting this is.
YOU AREN’T SPECIAL
Saying yes to everything simply means everyone will come to you because you are always available, always willing, always going to jump in and do whatever the task.
They won’t be coming to you because you are unique or special, but simply because you always say yes.
This is draining because you start to feel it too that all you are doing is filling a space and a need and that it really doesn’t even matter if it’s you or not. It can feel as if it is emptying you of your value as a unique individual.
YOU CAN’T MAKE DECISIONS
This is something I don’t think many people realize that are sucked into this dangerous cycle. It actually removes your power and choice to make a decision.
Again, this is for my peeps, like me formerly, felt it programmed into their DNA to always say yes to everything. Even to the point that it would cause great guilt and anxiety just thinking about saying no.
And if you did say no, you usually changed your mind, picked up the phone and then said you would do it after all. Yup…I see you!
The decision was already made the moment someone asked you. You knew you were going to say Yes because you knew no other way. I know…I am not judging…this used to be me.
DEPRESSION AND ANXIETY
Always saying yes leaves NO ROOM for you as a person. It strips away anything you thought you were because you are now living ONLY for other people. Since there is nothing of you left and you are living for others, this can easily lead to depression and anxiety.
Your every thought is skewed, thinking that you can’t stop now because now people depend on you and if you stop they will judge you or hate you.
And that isn’t something that someone has been giving and giving relentlessly can deal with without the depression and anxiety becoming worse. They have become a fragile shell.
Truth Bombing
Let me first speak some truths about this.
YOU LITERALLY CAN’T DO IT ALL.
You can never be everywhere everyone needs you.
This means when you do eventually have to say no, you will be riddled with overwhelming guilt, initially.
You don’t have endless energy, as no one does.
We all have limited amounts of time, money, and yes even energy. So you will either burn out on the job or at home when your family needs you.
YOU ARE SPECIAL ENOUGH.
You really are special enough to say no.
I don’t know if anyone ever told you this, but I am telling you now, truly from the depths of my heart, you really are special enough to say no.
Sometimes the ones that help the most are hoping someone will see their need for help and reach out to encourage and help them as well. Sadly this isn’t usually the case.
You have been designed, thought out, and meticulously put together by the highest King that will ever be. When He created you, He created you for a purpose (Ephesians 2:10). He knew the plans He has for you and even knows all your days before they happen (Psalm 139:16).
I would urge you to not do what I have done…spent so much of my life being riddled with so much guilt that I always said yes to whatever all the time (except during my depression and that’s a different ball game entirely).
I completely drained my mental and emotional energy bank account. I didn’t enjoy life anymore and in fact dreaded waking up in the morning because I knew I was going to have to keep the gig up. I would have another day of filling everyone else’s cup while mine was a tiny cup with holes all in the bottom that no one was pouring into. This isn’t a selfish mindset either when someone has gotten to this point. I literally didn’t even know who I was anymore. My existence had become one of yes to anyone who asked for anything all the time despite what I or my family needed. It’s a prison in your mind.
IT’S NOT YOUR JOB TO PLEASE OTHERS.
You will notice that when you say no you will initially experience some guilt and angst but do not pick up that phone.
Eventually saying no to the things that you need to say no to will give you the same freedom and joy that saying yes to the things you want to say yes to also gives you.
Saying no and saying yes is your choice!
It doesn’t mean people won’t be surprised or disappointed. But you can’t control other people and you aren’t responsible for their joy or sadness. That is on them, not you! That one took me a long long long time to fully get from my head to my heart. Dwell on it a minute if you need to, but it is true!
How To Stop The Cycle
Saying no gives you a beautiful freedom to stand in the place you were created to be in.
Yes your place in life will be ever and always evolving just as will be your family life and so your answers will change accordingly.
But to my yes peeps I want you to find the first thing that doesn’t fit with who you are and your place right now and that you are doing just because you think it’s expected of you and say no!!!
I don’t mean you have to say no to it all, just as you don’t have to say yes to it all.
But I have discovered this ridiculous place of utter joy and sheer freedom to do what works best for my family and being able to say no to things every now and then.
And guess what?
Much to my surprise, each time I say no, the world doesn’t collapse in on itself, my family unit doesn’t disintegrate and God doesn’t condemn me for being an evil doer.
Saying no gives you more time with your family and life. Time to truly figure out what it is you should be saying yes to and fully investing in your yes.
Saying no is quite simply only another way of saying yes to what matters the most.
It takes time. It is definitely a journey, but if I can do it, I know you can too! It won’t happen overnight and sometimes you will find yourself doing it again. Be gracious with yourself and give yourself the love you so freely give others.
I’m so excited to hear from you chronic “yes people” to comment below with your first no and how that experience blessed you.
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